Potatoes and Dragon Nip
by wikelia
Summary: Astrid (for some weird reason) decided to eat a bit of dragon nip, and now the riders need to find the potato from NORBERT THE NUTJOB to cure her. Meanwhile, can Snotlout keep up with the now insane Hofferson? Written for Celebrate HTTYD Week on Tumblr.
**The prompt is "Potatoes and Dragon Nip: and also based off of what Fishlegs said in Heather Report Part 2. "Um, I think Astrid's been eating dragon nip again."**

 **Again.**

 **AGAIN.**

 **So, yes, this does take place during Riders of Berk. Before they meet Heather.**

The people of Berk were very good at adapting. For three hundred years that was all they were doing. Adapting to the constant attacks. Adapting to one another's violent nature. Adapting to TRAINING dragons. After all, they were Vikings. Adapting was an "occupational hazard."

But one thing that Astrid was pretty sure she would NEVER adapt to was the heat.

In Berk, it snowed. A lot. It wasn't hot often. So when it WAS, it was painful. And it came at full force, with no mercy. Everyone felt it, whether they be human or dragon or fish.

Her face was wet with sweat. Her hair was sticking to her face and forming clumps and she felt like melting. Even when the wind blew threw her hair during her flight with Stormfly, the stupid air was WARM. And Hiccup shouting out training maneuvers didn't help either.

Now, Astrid was sitting next to Stormfly, who was eating some mutton slowly, also looking like the heat was hurting her. At least, Astrid though, she wasn't Toothless, who's black scales attracted even more heat.

There was a bowl of water in front of her, and she was debating whether to use it to splash on her face and feel like a person again, or to save it for later. The wells were still well supplied, but if this little drought continued, then they would run out and water would be scarce.

Next to Stormfly was a bundle of dragon nip. It seemed to calm the poor Nadder whenever she got too hot, so Astrid had taken a bunch just in case. She reached over and took some to rub against Stormfly's head.

Thoughtfully, the girl glanced at the grass-like substance. What was about it that dragons loved so much? What about it was so calming? Why did it help Stormfly?

Would it help HER?

She took another clump just to observe it. Feeling slightly foolish, the valkyrie brought it up to her nose and gave it a sniff. Altogether, it didn't smell that bad. As in, it smelled like grass, and grass didn't smell all that bad either.

She wondered how it tasted. One bite wouldn't hurt. If it tasted disgusting, or Valhalla forbid, POISONOUS, than she'd just spit it out.

With that thought mixed with a plentiful amount of curiosity, Astrid brought the dragon nip up to her mouth, and took a bite.

It churned her mouth, not unlike an onion, and slowly Astrid chewed. It also had juices, so her thirst was quenched for the time being. Every crunch was satisfying.

Stormfly had abandoned her mutton to see her friend eating. She simply stared, although Astrid thought she saw a doubt of concern in her eyes.

The girl ate more, and she ate it fast. And when it was all finished, she sat back down dizzily. Surely, this was what drinking mead felt like? Or not. How could she know, she'd never drunk mead.

Astrid's head was spinning. Stormfly cawed, concerned, but in her head, it sounded like a loud ringing sound.

And suddenly, everything was clear. The dizziness and ringing had evaporated, and her blurred vision came back to the sight she was used to.

Astrid stood up quickly, to tell Hiccup what had just happened, the effects of humans eating dragon nip. She reached for her axe, but then a giddy thought entered her head.

What was the need for her axe? She was just going to walk to Hiccup's house.

Wait, why walk?

She would SKIP to Hiccup's house. That'd be more fun.

The thought made her giggle. "Hey, Stormfly, you coming?"

The Nadder looked as though she would do anything but that, but nonetheless, stretched open her wings and waited for the familiarity of the girl with the shoulder pads to slide on. She didn't expect her human to go off SKIPPING, whistling Snoggletog carols.

For of course, Astrid had forgotten she could fly.

* * *

Hiccup didn't like being broken out of his concentration.

Unless it was Astrid.

Then it was okay.

Everything was okay with Astrid.

So when he heard a large clang of metal hitting the ground and looked up to see the blonde girl looking distressed at dropping them, Hiccup was relaxed and was about to ask her what she needed.

But then Astrid knelt down, and started apologizing to the weapons.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Mace! No, quite sorry, Ms. Axe. All my fault. Yes, yes, good day to you too, Ms. Spear. How are the kids?"

Hiccup stared. Was she joking? Messing around with him? "Astrid?" he asked cautiously, "What are you doing?"

She looked up and smiled before standing up, dropping the weapons she had picked up again. Then, she proceeded to run over and hug him.

Ignoring the fact that the hug nearly knocked him over, Hiccup stepped back, bewildered. "Are you...ok?"

Astrid laughed, not her usual laugh, this one was kind of maniacal. "I'm better than okay, Hiccup! I'm in LOVE!" To emphasize her point, she spun in place before falling over and taking a few of his papers with her.

"Er...in love? With who?" Not only did he think someone had accidently put some strong stuff in her drink by accident, but that he didn't really like this side of Astrid. She looked adorable, sure, but seeing her so uncomposed was weird.

"With you, of course, silly!" She giggled and tousled his hair. "I looooove you." And she hugged him again, trying to capture his lips this time.

Hiccup ducked under her arm, terrified. "Astrid, are you drunk?"

"Drunk with love!" she shouted. "And I may or may not have eaten some dragon nip, too."

"Dragon nip?" he squeaked, still trying to deflect her advances. "You ATE dragon nip?"

Astrid giggled all the more. "Well, I couldn't have drunk it, could I? Silly billy." She came closer, with her lips puckered and he jumped on the table, scared.

Fishlegs chose that moment to come in. "Hiccup, I got the metal that you said you -"

Both teens stared at him, one giddy and with no shame, and the other absolutely terrified. "It's not what it looks like, 'Legs," Hiccup said quickly, "Astrid's -"

"If I'm interrupting something, I'll just go," the chubby boy responded, already taking steps backwards, "I'll just leave the metal here and -"

"Don't go!" Hiccup all but shouted. "Nothing is going on!"

The girl next to him jumped up and down. "Join the party! Are we doing a party? We should have a party. I LIKE parties!"

Fishlegs gaped at her and then turned to Hiccup, obviously looking for an explanation. "She ate dragon nip. I don't know WHY," he added, exasperated, as Astrid accidently knocked over another pile of spears on the table, "But that's what it did to her."

"Hiccup!" His friend squealed, excited, and for a moment Hiccup was ready to have a heart attack because it looked like Fishlegs had ate it too. "This is an amazing discovery! The effect of dragon nip on humans is something we've been wondering for a long time!"

"Yes, but I didn't wanna find out like thiiiis!" he yelped as his best human friend pulled him off the table and started dancing with him. "Fishlegs, make her stop!"

The other boy was frantic. "How am I supposed to make her stop?"

"Astrid! ASTRID!" he yelled at her. "Stop spinning me!"

"But it's fun!" she shouted back. "Ooh, are we having a yelling contest now? I can yell loudly - watch!" She opened her mouth to let out what might have been a bloodcurdling scream. Fortunately, they never found out if it was, because Hiccup put a hand on her mouth right away. "No, we're not having a shouting contest. Or ANY contest, for that matter."

The girl pouted, before smiling and licking his hand. Hiccup shouted again and pulled back. She laughed and continued to dance solo, knocking into something every two seconds.

Fishlegs started. "Gothi's hut, then?"

"Gods, yes."

* * *

The old lady's staff was well known to be an irreplaceable object. She used it for hypnosis, curing, and of course, hitting people.

Speaking of people, there were quite a few there. The Hoffersons had rushed there immediately, as soon as Fishlegs had told them what happened. Stoick and Gobber were there too, Gobber to translate and Stoick because his son had said, "You might wanna see this, dad," which rarely led to something good but he had complied anyway. The dragon riders were there, as were the dragons.

Snotlout was snickering. "So, she's more laid back now?"

Hiccup glared at him. "Don't even think about taking advantage of her when she's in this state."

"I wasn't going to, mister bossy!" he hissed back, "I was just...analyzing the situation!"

Gothi was quickly getting irritated. This girl would not stand still, and she kept getting distracted. She thumped her on the head with the staff.

Astrid huffed. "I don't like you." And, like the mature girl she was, stuck her tongue out. Gothi merely glanced at her and scowled. She motioned Gobber over.

"I have exterminated her - ow, ow! - EXAMINED her, and I diagnose that she has eaten dragon nip."

"Anything we didn't know, Gothi?" Hiccup asked, trying to stay patient, which was hard, because right in front of him, there was a girl who had once forgotten her own birthday to train, and she was playing with a ladybug in her hands.

Gobber went on. "She says that there is a cure...THAT'S the cure? You're JOKING!"

The old woman shook her head sadly. Fishlegs spoke up. "What is it, Gobber?"

"It's - it's…" Gobber looked very hesitant to tell them, but then he looked at Astrid, who was placing the ladybug in her hair and giggling, then at his apprentice, who was looking as though Snoggletog had been cancelled, and he sighed. "It's a potato."

Silence.

For about two seconds.

(Hey, the twins were there).

"Um, not to sound stupid," began Tuff, in a way that meant that was EXACTLY what he was aiming for, "But what's a potato?"

Fishlegs turned to him. "It's an imaginary vegetable," he told them, before turning back to Gobber. "It doesn't exist."

Gobber sighed. "Apparently it does. And someone does have one. No need to go to America."

"Who?"

The blacksmith looked all the more hesitant. "Norbert. Norbert the Nutjob."

Ruffnut thought for a moment before exclaiming. "Oh, the Chief of the Hysterics!"

Then it dawned on her why everyone was looking so glum.

"Oh."

"Well," Hiccup resigned, "Guess we better prepare to go there."

"Son," Stoick warned softly, "Let's think this through."

"Look at her, dad," Hiccup said, motioning to his best human friend, "She's playing with a ladybug."

"Yes...well, look. I've MET Norbert, Hiccup, and he isn't the most pleasant -"

"If you stop me, we'll just sneak out when you're not looking," Hiccup said defiantly, looking up at Stoick..

Boy and father stared at each other, an unspoken challenge hanging through the air. Gobber walked over and placed a hand on Stoick's shoulder. When he looked over, the man nodded. "Alright, son. But be careful. PLEASE."

The auburn haired boy nodded, as though knowing his father would agree all along. "Someone stay behind with her." He jerked his head in Astrid's direction. Said girl jumped up and squealed.

"Ooh, lemme choose, lemme choose!" She giggled. "Eeny, meeny, miney, moe!"

"What's she doing?" Astrid's dad asked meekly, "What is 'eeny, meeny, miney, moe'?"

"Absolutely no idea, sir," Hiccup said honestly.

"And you...are...it!" Her finger was pointing at Snotlout, who immediately shook his head.

"No way am I staying with a crazy Astrid, Hiccup!"

"She chose you, Snotlout," Hiccup called back, already leaving the hut, "You're staying behind. Nothing more to it."

"Oh, so if she chosen you, you would have stayed behind, then?"

Hiccup wisely chose not to answer. He told Fishlegs and the twins to pack some basic supplies, for Hysteria was a few hours away.

Definitely not far enough.

* * *

This wasn't funny. At all. Snotlout was watching Astrid, for the first time, with disdain. "What are you doing NOW?"

"Dancing."

"Is that ALL you do?"

She looked at him, shocked. "Of course not. That would be so boring! I like...drawing and...playing with the drrrrragons! Rawr!" She held out her hands like claws and Snotlout facepalmed, knowing he was going to get punched by her later, even though SHE was the one who had chose him.

"Oh, and I like singing too!"  
"That's nice," he muttered noncommittally.

She started giggling, and he turned around to see a wide grin forming on her face. "What are you doing?"

Her voice dropped to a whisper, and he had to strain to hear. "We're gonna SING."

Immediately, Snotlout jumped back. "Oh no, no. We will not. No singing, whatsoever. EVER."

Of course, she ignored him in her new state. Then again, she ignored him in her normal state too, but at least then she would never suggest SINGING.

She started humming a tune he didn't recognize, so Snotlout leaned in closer to listen. It was an upbeat tune, and when she opened her mouth, Snotlout covered his ears.

" _Well, Ali Baba had them forty thieves._

 _Scheherazade_ _had a thousand tales."_

"What?" Snotlout asked meekly, "Who's Ali Baba? And Sheheerdaadi?"

She made a shushing motion with her lips and went on, singing to him now.

" _Master, you're in luck, cause UP YOUR SLEEVES._

" _You've got a branch of magic, never fails."_

Her voice dropped at the next line and she said it in a weird voice.

" _You got some power in your corner now._

 _Some heavy ammunition in your camp."_

She punched him as she said it, well, SANG it, and Snotlout yelped. "Astrid! Cut it out!"

" _You got some punch, pizzazz, yahoo and how_

 _See all you gotta do is rub that lamp."_

"WHAT LAMP?" Snotlout asked hysterically, freaking out. "What IS a lamp?"

" _And I'll say_

 _Mister Snotlout, sir_

 _What will your pleasure be?"_

"FOR YOU TO STOP SINGING!"

" _Let me take your order_

 _Jot it down_

 _You ain't never had a friend like me_

 _Ha ha ha."_

She nudged him, and Snotlout resisted the urge to barf. If this was what she felt every time he flirted with her, he promised himself he wouldn't do it anymore.

" _Life is your restaurant_

 _And I'm your maitre d'_

 _C'mon whisper what it is you want_

 _You ain't never had a friend like me."_

"No, I haven't. You're crazy!" he yelled at her. Astrid excitedly nodded in agreement.

" _Yes sir, we pride ourselves on service_

 _You're the boss_

 _The king, the shah_

 _Say what you wish_

 _It's yours! True dish_

 _How about a little more Baklava?"_

"What is baklava? Is that a type of dance, because I swear, Astrid, I'm not gonna -"

" _Have some of column 'A'_

 _Try all of column 'B'"_

"LISTEN TO ME!"

" _I'm in the mood to help you, dude!_

 _You ain't never had a friend like me."_

"ASTRID! SHUT UP!"

" _Can your friends do this?"_

She did a backflip, knocking into his dad's axe.

" _Can your friends do that?"_

She picked up the axe and began swinging it wildly.

" _Can your friends pull this out their little hat?_

 _Can your friends go, Poof!"_

Astrid ran over, giggling and flicked his face. He stepped backwards, howling, which she mistook for singing along. "You're getting the hang of it!

 _Well, looky here_

 _Can your friends go, Abracadabra, let 'er rip_

 _And then make the sucker disappear?_

 _So doncha sit there slack jawed, buggy eyed_

 _I'm here to answer all your midday prayers_

 _You got me bona fide, certified_

 _You got a genie for your chare d'affaires."_

This time, he said it slowly, to let it sink in. "You're not a genie."

" _I got a powerful urge to help you out_

 _So what-cha wish? I really wanna know."_

"I wish you would stop singing. You suck at it."

" _You got a list that's three miles long, no doubt_

 _Well, all you gotta do is rub like so - and oh_

 _Mister Snotlout, sir, have a wish or two or three_

 _I'm on the job, you big nabob."_

Time for the finale, thought the Jorgenson, horrified. She jumped on the table and threw her hands up.

" _You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend -"_

"YOU KNOCKED DOWN A PLATE!"

" _You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend."_

"GET. DOWN!"

" _You ain't never had a friend like meeeeeeeeee."_

She jumped off the table, her flailing arms hitting him in the face, and with a grand flourish, she snag the final line.

" _You ain't never had a friend like me."_

And she fell down.

Snotlout stared. "That was the most awful performance I've ever seen."

"Let's do another one!"

"NO!"

* * *

"The isle of Hysteria isn't too far now, guys," Hiccup informed, looking at the map.

"Um, Hiccup," Fishlegs said nervously, "by 'not too far', did you mean that we're THERE? Because we are! We're here!"

Hiccup looked up, ignoring the twins' chorus of "Awesome!" when they saw the island. In his opinion, this island was decidedly not AWESOME.

It was crumbled from one side, with rocks sliding off mountains, making one side of the island completely uninhabitable. At least now their search was cut in half. The other side of the island, while standing, wasn't much better looking. There were many small houses, leading up to one big castle-like structure, that any Chief would want. "That's where he is, everyone. So that's where we're going."

"I hate when you say that," Fishlegs mumbled. Meatlug cooed at him and he smiled bravely. "Let's go, then?"

"Give us a sec to admire the topography!" Ruffnut called out, scandalized that they would think she wouldn't.

"Shut up!" Fishlegs hissed at her. "We don't want anyone knowing we're here!"  
Hiccup hesitated. "Hate to break it to you, Fishlegs, but I think Norbert's going to notice when we take the potato."

"Oh, he's going to notice us LONG before that," Tuffnut quipped.

"And what makes you figure that?"

"Because," Tuffnut pointed to the ground, "They already have."

And even before Hiccup looked down alarmingly, he heard shouts and cries of people below. Things like "Knock 'em down!" or "Kill those beasts!" and before he understood that these people actually MEANT it, him and Toothless were engulfed in a net. Panic-stricken, Hiccup called out, "Fly up, guys! Don't let them get you too! Go! GO!"

All three of them were hesitant, but complied and flew further up. That didn't stop the Hysterics from throwing more bolas and nets in the air.

Hiccup fell to the ground with a thud. Immediately, he asked Toothless, "You alright, bud?" When he got a growl in the affirmative (or it could've been a scolding growl for being reckless enough to get captured), Hiccup studied the men who had captured them. They were all big and burly, and were pulling off the net with an alarming amount of force. One of them grabbed Hiccup by the front of his shirt and began dragging him to the castle. Toothless, who at first was going to "gas 'em and blast 'em and never even ask 'em" as the twins so eloquently put it, held his fire at the sight of his best friend in their hands. He was nuzzled and pushed along as they trudged slowly.

"Who are you, boy? Tell us, and maybe we'll spare you a painful death."

"Just to be clear, if I speak, I still get a death, just not painful?"

The soldier hesitated. "Well, just a LITTLE painful."

"Ah. Of course." He shouldn't have expected anything less. "In that case, my name is Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third, heir to the Hairy Hooligan tribe on the island of Berk.

"I may also be known as the Dragon Conqueror? I don't know, has Alvin been spreading that around?"

The man gaped. "YOU'RE the Dragon Conqueror?"

"Yeah, trust me, though, I certainly did not come up with that horrifying nickname. I'd much prefer just Hiccup if you don't mind."

"Well, Just Hiccup," the man said, "I think you're lying. You're a runt, not the Dragon Master."

"Actually, it's Dragon CONQU-"

"Silence!"

They had arrived at the castle and there was a man who wasn't looking very happy.

NORBERT, Hiccup thought, and looked at him with disdain.

"Who are you?" He pointed a waggling finger at him.

The soldier spoke up before he could answer. "Says his name is Hiccup Horrendous Haddock, and he's the heir to the Hairy Hooligans on Berk. Oh, and he claims to be the Dragon Conqueror." The soldier seemed so pleased with himself that Hiccup wondered if getting something done right was a rare occurrence for him.

"The Dragon Conqueror?" Norbert asked in disbelief, "I don't believe you."

Hiccup shrugged. "That's your loss. I'm telling the truth. I could call a whole army of dragons to burn your home to smithereens right now."

A lie? Yes. Embellished on the spot? Yes. Necessary? YES.

Norbert turned red. "What are you here for?"

"Well, I've heard from, ah, from the GODS..." Hiccup scrambled to make up a lie quickly. "That you are in possession of a rare potato."

NOW, he was turning a rather violent shade of violet. Huh. Violent shade of violet. The alliteration was nice. Not as nice as "ponies or parrots", but nice nonetheless.

"And what," Norbert hissed, "would you need the potato for?"

"Are you questioning the gods!?" Hiccup thundered, silently laughing at himself for this ridiculous story.

"I'm not questioning the GODS. I'm questioning YOU."

"You know what?" asked Hiccup, "I'll just tell Odin you don't even have it. Perhaps he'll decide you're not worthy of living, but details, details."

Scaring him worked. "Of course I have the potato."

"I'll need proof," Hiccup huffed, "Or you'll be dealing with a rather angry bunch of dragons AND the wrath of the gods."

The Chief motioned for the soldiers to let go of the boy, and he began making his way to another room, gesturing with his hand for him to follow. Hiccup gratefully arched his arm back; they had been pressing it WAY too tightly. He followed Norbert into the other room.

They were in the throne room. Or, at least it _LOOKED_ like a throne room. There weren't any decorations, but there was a huge chair in the middle of one wall, and Norbert crawled under and pulled out something.

Hiccup stared, for the first time, at the potato.

"WELL?" The nutjob yelled out.

"WELL, what?" asked Hiccup, confused.

"Well, are you going to take the potato or NOT?" screeched Norbert.

Of course. Hiccup quickly grabbed the potato, and put it inside his vest. He began making his way to the door, but two guards (who he hadn't even realized were in the room) blocked his path. Hiccup turned to Norbert in confusion.

The man smiled, showing his yellow teeth. "You see, I gave you the potato, but I cannot let you leave this island now. You will stay here."

"WHAT?" Hiccup shouted, as one of the guards grabbed his arm. He squirmed, trying to break away. "No, no, let me go, I've got to GO!"

"I'm afraid not," chortled the Chef, and Hiccup glared at him with such vehemence it was a wonder that he didn't take a few steps back. To Rome.

He was about to kick the guard's shin (which probably wouldn't have led to very good consequences) when a commotion outside caught his attention.  
And then a flaming Monstrous Nightmare burst inside.

"SNOTLOUT, SNOTLOUT, OI OI OI!"

* * *

As they flew back, Hiccup glared at Snotlout, and then glanced at Astrid, who was counting the spikes on Stormfly. "Not only did you risk your own life, you risked hers' too!?"

Ruffnut laughed. "I'm betting she took off first."

The rest of teens looked at Snotlout for confirmation, and he gave a disgruntled grunt, which they took to mean that it was indeed the insane Astrid who had flew off first.

"I only left for two minutes!" Snotlout insisted, "To get away from her stupid songs! And then suddenly she's on Stormfly and flying above my head."

"Well, thank Thor she did come," said Fishlegs, "Did you see the way she tackled Norbert?"

"It was awesome!" Tuff agreed enthusiastically, "Even when she's insane, our baby girl can STILL make grown men cry!"  
If the sane Astrid heard this, she would have knocked Tuffnut into next week. This time, around though, she merely threw her hands in the air, shouting, "Yes! I scared him!

" _I hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream and my cardigan."_

"Uh, 'Lout? What's a plane? And LAX? And a cardigan?"

"I don't know," Snotlout groaned, "Oh, here we go again."


End file.
